serenity now!

So many well-meaning friends and relatives have urged me to forget the past and just think about the future for my own sake. I'm not upset with anyone (except for my mother) for saying this, since it makes sense, and it would seem to them easy enough to do. However, I think this is where the clinical, chemical, biological part of it makes that seemingly simple task so difficult. I've written about how I OBSESS on the past when I get depressed. It took me several episodes, and my psychiatrist friend from college pointing it out, to finally realize that I was doing this, and that I could not control it no matter how hard I tried. During my bouts of depression, I have moments of lucidity in which I can say to myself, "What the hell are you thinking? Why does any of it matter now?" But then those moments fleet away and I'm stuck again, with those feelings of hoplessness, worthlesness, and my stomach churning. I got through the first major episode by telling myself that if my college friends had known the truth about my home life and my restrictions and still not accepted me, then I shouldn't be friends with them anyway, since it was out of my control. I also told myself that what I went through made me a stronger person, and that it had built character. Another thing that helped was telling myself that if I got depressed, I was letting my father win. I told my sister this after my wedding when she was upset because my father grabbed something from her or threw something at her. I told her not to let him win. Finally, [Husband], who meant more to me than anything in the world, loved and accepted me, and if someone like him could do that, then I figured that I must be worth something. All of those affirmations (is that the right word?) worked for me at one time, but then started to lose their efficacy, like expired Tylenol. I very much want to forget the past and focus on the future, and I feel like I'm getting there slowly now, but it still keeps coming back and kicking my butt. I don't know why. During one episode (it was in 2000, I think) I told my uncle that I had tremendous shame about being restricted in college - about not being allowed to drive and not being allowed to go out and never having done anything on New Year's Eve. I was in tears, and had lost weight (the one benefit of depression). My uncle said that shame is something you should feel for doing something wrong, not for having something wrong done to you. I don't know why I just wrote about that. It has nothing to do with trying to move on from the past, but it's something that I remember and something that seems pertinent. Anyway, I'm trying to forget the past. In a comment a couple of days ago, my friend Chris (a former co-worker from Sun - we did some modeling* together) brought up the Serenity Prayer from his Catholic faith. Before I knew it was a Catholic thing, I knew that alcoholics said it in AA meetings, and it was something that made sense to me. It's the one about asking for the ability to let go of things that are out of your control, the strength to control what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Although I am neither Catholic nor alcoholic, it seemed like wise guidance. It helped me put things in perspective before, knowing that my father's behavior and actions were out of my control. There was nothing I could do about it, and if someone wants to judge me for that, then to hell with them. But then my sick mind started telling me that I was damaged, and that people WOULD judge me for my father's behavior, and that it meant that nobody ANYWHERE would accept me. I started thinking that nobody would accept me, and that I just didn't belong anywhere, and I was just worthless. Which brings to mind something my mother said after my wedding: "Aren't you glad I stayed with Daddy? If I had left him, [Husband’s] family never would have accepted you." Maybe I shouldn't be so ungrateful. Maybe I should bow down and kiss my mother's feet for what she did for me (sarcasm). I think I need to up my dosage of the Serenity Prayer. *OK - it was DATA modeling!