I usually write my posts last thing at night, after all the kids are in bed, and I'm exhausted after a long day of firefighting. I've also been bombarded with thoughts all day, and think about everything I plan to write about. When I finally sit down and start to write about an intended topic, I get off track and go off on tangents. What I'm writing is my train of thought. It's pretty disorganized and, I feel, may be difficult to read. However, I don't have the time or wherewithal to edit, organize and pretty it up.
From the comments, emails, and phone calls I've gotten, though, it looks like people are actually reading this thing. I cannot tell all of you how helpful and uplifting it has been to me. Some people have told me that reading this has made them able to open up a little about their own issues, which has helped them.
This brings me to a reminder - if you know anyone who could benefit from reading this, please do pass it on.
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Hi Sheela,
ReplyDeleteAs I mentioned, when we were kids I had no idea what you and Preetha were going through – to my sister and I you were a fun-loving energetic playmate with whom we really enjoyed having fun. In this vein, you always were, and always will be much more than a sum of any set of experiences, especially those associated with your father. Consider your life as a loving mother, courageous forthright person, and (certainly if the posts here are any measure) a kind, supportive, and affectionate friend – with these experiences how can your premise of being a freak be anywhere near reality? It just doesn’t apply. This very exchange makes it self-evident that you are stepping beyond what you were subjected to as a child, and any view of being purely a product of those experiences is completely untrue.
Also, with regard to your statement on continuing to be afraid once the beatings stopped, it seems there was an incessant psychological brutalization that went well beyond the physical manifestation (which there was certainly no guarantee would not recur) of your father’s mental illness and violence. The fear associated with being assaulted emotionally can easily produce a horrifying visceral reaction, even in comparison to the fear of being physically struck – I am no psychologist, but this seems very understandable to me.
I hope sharing things in this way is helping – again I can’t express how much I admire your courage in the manner you are confronting these experiences.