sins of the father

It's been very difficult for me to remove my father from my identity. What I mean is that I feel that I am not really separable from my family or my circumstances. Like when I say that I am so ashamed of my father and the way he behaved and all the restrictions that were imposed upon me and feel like it makes me a freak people very consistently respond that it was my father who was the freak, not I. However, I just cannot see it that way. I feel that since that's what I come from, that's what I am.

I know that good or bad, your family and upbringing shape you to a decent degree. I also know that you can't choose the family you're born into - sometimes, as in my case, it's just rotten luck. But people are judged for their families. [Husband] was watching a special on Bernie Madoff the other day. His son Mark hung himself because of the shame brought on him by his father's actions. He claimed to be innocent, and though I can't say with 100% certainty that he was, I do believe that he took his own life for the reasons he and his wife give for the suicide - shame of his father.

It was bad coincidence that I had to listen to that show in the background while dealing with this depressive episode (and I was deeper in that day). Mark Madoff had asked his mother to stop standing by his father and Ruth Madoff refused. I think he said that he would have been able to live with things if she had left Bernie. Mark's wife Stephanie holds Ruth responsible for Mark's suicide because Ruth did not leave Bernie. After the suicide, Ruth sent Stephanie an email saying that she would forever regret not doing what Mark asked. It also makes me kind of regret not doing something to myself back in high school, before it got this far. However, I did not see myself as depressed back then - I think it was suppressed. Also, I think it would have been really crappy to leave my sister alone. But I love to think that it would have maybe set my mother straight if she knew that was why I did it. Who knows, even that may not have changed her mind.