restrictions & repression.

I have many more charming little anecdotes like the one from my post from last night, but for now, I think what I want to do is change directions a bit and get into the stuff about why I am a total loser freak. My father grew increasingly reclusive and antisocial. He was always a very angry person - angry at the world, as those who knew him said. He also always viewed American culture as degenerate. His plan was to raise us like we were still in India, control us and possess us until adulthood, and then find suitable boys for us to marry. As I said, we had come to internalize this and to accept that this way things would be. We were far too fearful of him to ever disagree with him or contradict him. We always walked on eggshells around him because he was so volatile. My mother, rather than saying "You didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sorry you have to go through this," would just cater to him and say to us, "Why did you have to do that? You knew it would make him angry!" Here are some examples of things we couldn't do, and just the weirdnesses of our family:

 -There used to be a commercial for Close-Up toothpaste in which a couple was kissing, and my father would make me cover my eyes when it came on. (This was when I was very young.)

 -We couldn't talk to boys on the phone. When I was in high school, a couple of boys called, not for social reasons, but always for homework stuff. My dad flipped out, and took it out on us, as if it were our fault. 

 -We were not allowed to go to dances. Not that I ever asked - I always KNEW it was off limits. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends that I wasn't allowed to go, so I always made up excuses. like that I was grounded or something. Eventually they stopped asking, and some made fun of me for never going.

 -The summer before 9th grade, when my friends started going to dances, they would ask, and I'd always make my excuse and decline. Once my dad asked, "Did your friends call you for the school dance?" and I awkwardly said "No" and he angrily said "GOOD!" Even the topic would set him off, and he was the one who brought it up. 

 -Needless to say, I was not allowed to go to prom.

 -I couldn't stay out past like 9 PM or so, and even that was pushing it. A few times I got to, by going to a movie that lasted later or something. And if I were out babysitting, it was OK to come back as late as I needed to, but not for social stuff. 

 -I did get to go to a couple of football and basketball games. However, when I asked, my father's first question was , "WHY? Are you having some boyfriend or something who is playing?" It was so weird, and I don't know what the hell he was thinking - that every boy in that school wanted to have sex with me or something, or even wanted to ask me out.

 -I couldn't go out on New Year's Eve. Two years in HS, I spent the night at a friend's house and therefore had some fun, but we were not supposed to go out, because of the 'drunk drivers.' 

 -We could not have crushes on boys (which of course, a normal straight girl does). I could not even say that a boy was good-looking. I would not even say that about a famous person on TV or in the movies for that matter. Our sexuality was supposed to be completely repressed. (But I guess we were supposed to be straight.) 

 -I was not allowed to go to my graduation party at school (the one that lasts all night at the school itself, with no alcohol, and with teachers present). When I asked, and my father asked until what time, and I told him "All night," he freaked out and got angry, and said that when he graduated, they just took a group photo and had a cup of coffee. (Three years later, my sister was allowed to go, and he asked why they didn't do this when I graduated. When I told him that they did, and that he didn't let me go, he denied it, as he denied any wrongdoing EVER.) 

 In my mind, I am a social misfit loser for living like this and missing out on these normal experiences. However, it gets worse. These restrictions continued in college, but the complexity of enjoying life a little more while hiding things from friends is where the convoluted depressing thoughts get even more confusing and depressing.