My father hated my mother having any friends, and would cruelly and relentlessly tease her for any contact with anyone. If someone called, or if she went out with someone, or whatever, he would say that she was licking that person's ass (a very crude Konkani expression), or he would ask if they were lesbians. And of course, he would listen in on their phone calls and mock her for whatever they were saying.
She would always try to avoid getting phone calls from them. (This was before the time when everyone had cell phones.) She would feel awkward about telling him where she or we were going, since he would just mock her and make rude comments. She never had anyone come over when he was around. One time when he was out of town, she had some friends over and he got mad when he found out, because he said that she was keeping it secret from him. (Anything he didn't know about was 'being kept secret' from him - like when he walked in when she was emailing my sister on webtv, or when my in-laws had mentioned that my sister had come to visit them and he hadn't known about it, just pretty much anything.)
He always said that she acted 'differently' in front of people, and that she got 'excited' when people came over. He just couldn't stand her having friends, but he got some sick sadistic pleasure from teasing her for having them.
One thing that makes me really sad is that I hear that my mother used to be a fun, normal, social, outgoing person. This is incomprehensible to me. I have never known her as this. I have only seen her as a timid little mouse around him. She is very socially awkward, not looking anyone in the eye, or not talking when she doesn't know someone well. It's weird and embarrassing for me when she meets my friends and behaves this way.
She has also developed a severe anxiety problem. She is quite neurotic and it actually drives me nuts to the point that it has in part alienated me. (The other 'part' of the alienation is my anger and resentment that she put up with it and never protected us, and even set us up for his wrath a few times - I don't know why she would do this.)
It makes me so mad that my father could change someone so completely.
These thoughts bring me to why I want my mother out of my life, but I have to take [Older Daughter] to a very important kindergarten screening at the ungodly hour of 8:30 tomorrow morning, and need to be presentable for it, so I should try to get some sleep before my early rude awakening.
I had to re-write this a couple times, since it's such a difficult thing to articulate. Your mother was, no doubt, both a victim and an enabler of your father's abuse.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how long your parents were married before you were born, but during that time, she was the sole recipient of his abuse. And while you are entitled to be pissed at her, she was in the same boat you were, but for longer.
In a twisted way, by reprimanding you for accidents (and incurring your father's wrath), she probably thought she was doing you a favor.
It's just so damn tragic that you and your mom and your sister have issues between yourselves, when I think it's obvious where your scorn should be directed.
Just a few questions:
ReplyDeleteDoes your mom acknowledge his abuse and what happened in the home? Does she acknowledge how he treated all of you? Is she willing to talk to you about it?