My father didn't hit us every day. It was actually worst during the elementary and middle school years, I think. The last time I remember getting a real beating from him was early November 1985, my freshman year in high school. It was a pretty bad one. I think I'll detail that one in another post.
I don't know if it would be apparent to anyone else why I would still be afraid if he never beat me up (or even hit me? I don't remember now) after that time in 1985. I know that he did hit my mother and my sister after that still.
The memories of the beatings I had gotten and the fear that he would do it again, I guess, are what kept me under control and afraid to ever stand up to him. Also, it's not like he treated me decently after that. He would still yell, scream, curse, throw things, threaten my mother and threaten me all the time after that last beating even if he didn't hit me. I was also afraid of what he might do to my mother. He was seriously explosive, and we were all scared to death of him and what he might do.
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Of course you were-- there was no reason for you to really believe it had all stopped. I think people who are physically abused at a young age never really believe they are safe, even after the perpetrator is dead.
ReplyDeleteYes, he was explosive. I remember one time we had a patient who had a pilonidal cyst that needed draining. These cysts are very painful and are located in a very delicate area. Your father told the patient that he would drain it, but he warned the patient several times before starting the procedure that he was not to yell. Well, your father inserted the needle containing anesthetic into the cyst, and the patient let out a loud yell. Your father pulled the needle out and threw it across the room (I actually ducked---I was standing in its path), where it struck the wall and fell to the ground. He then proceeded to yell at the patient "I told you not to yell! I told you not to yell!" Awkward. Now, wouldn't you think that patient would have gotten up and walked out? Would you be surprised to hear that he did not? Would you be surprised to hear that he allowed your father to come back into the room 15 minutes later (after he had stormed out and slammed the door) and do the procedure? That is exactly what happened.
ReplyDeleteMy point in telling you that story is to show you that a grown man who was not even related to your father was stunned by your father's actions and did nothing to protect himself or remove himself from the volitile situation; he was obviously too intimiated or afraid to get up and walk out of the office....and he was a grown man! He was not your father's child and was not under your father's control! Of course your father's abuse made you fearful. That is an absolutely human and natural response to the situation you were in, and there would be something wrong with you if you did not feel fearful. You were UNABLE to remove yourself from the situation.
I am certainly no psychiatrist, but to answer your question, I think that the greatest fear we as humans ever experience is fear of the unknown. When we know what we are up against, we can deal with it, and when we don't, it creates extreme fear. When your father was beating you or yelling at you or whatever, he was in action and you knew what was happening at that moment and had some measure of control (?may not be the best term to use here) to react and deal with what was going on in that moment. But when he was not in action, so to speak, you did not have that measure of control. You did not know what was going to happen next...when he would explode..what he would do...etc, so your mind was never at ease. The thoughts in your mind--- replaying the events, thinking of the what-ifs of the next event, trying to prepare for the next outburst and never knowing when it would happen or what exactly it would entail, or how you would deal with it and protect yourself or your mom/sister--would surely have made you very fearful. As I said, I believe those times would actually have been more fearful than when the beating/outburst was actually occurring. And beause you were programmed from a very young age to always be on the look-out and to be preparing for the "next time", in my mind that would explain why you still struggle with this even today, even though he is dead. Your survival instincts (programming) still tell you that there is danger, even though there is none. I think this may be what keeps all of this very fresh and alive in your mind, even though you are now safe. My counselor once told me that it is these "tapes" that play over and over in our minds that keep us in these cycles. He told me that in order to overcome, we have to create new tapes to play.